Growing up I lived a fairly simple life, I had friends, family, and lots of people who loved me me.I went to church, I was saved, I was happy and thought nothing bad would ever happen to me, and then I went to HighSchool. Some of my friends stopped talking to me, and it got harder for me to make friends, and I just thought it was because we were in High School and they were too cool for me now. It didn't bother me too much. A few months went by and I started making some friends, but they were the kids that would scare your mom. They were Gothic, Manson Worshipers, who cut themselfs, they hated everyone && everything. And they let me in their clique. So I thought to myself, 'Well they call me 'friend' so why don't I try and show them Christ'. Well I did, kinda, the things they did started to effect me, they kept reminding me of how sucky my life was, and how "My God didn't really care", I knew that was a lie, but the circumstances made it seem other wise, so I started questioning my faith, rather or not God was real. And the more I tryed to show them God the harder it got. Finally summer came and I had a chance to straighten out my life, things got better, but as always summer came to an end. Thus the start of a new school year. Well somewhere between the end of summer and 3weeks into school I became the sad 'EMO' girl. My problems had gotten so big, I thought Christ hated me, So I gave up on him. I tryed to fix everything myself, but things kept gettting worse and I couldn't deal anymore, I had no idea what to do. Well one night i was reaching into the dishwasher and my arm scaped against a knife, it wasn't very deep and I barely bleed, but it created this stinging tingly feeling and I forgot about my problems. So I went to my room and found a Safty Pin I opend it and started 'carving' on my arm and it helped, or at least I tought it did. A few weeks later i was laying in bed and my mind was swimming with thoughts that just wouldn't leave my head, so i sat up and looked at my dresser and on top of it was one of those hand help pencil sharpeners, the ones where you can unscrew the blade, well thats just what I did . I unscrewed the blade and pressed it down on my wrist and slowly pulled it across my arm, it hurt but I didn't care, in some weird way I felt relief. When the bleeding slowed down I decided to try and sleep, some part of me was telling my that I was letting God down, the other was telling me not to care he had let me down first, I gotten tired of fighting with myself so I went and looked through all of the pills I have and looked for something that was gonna put me to sleep. This became my bed time ritual, Cut, sometimes worse than otheres, pills, sleep. Evenualy my secret was out. I hated the person who found out, I hated the fact that they wanted me to get help, I hated the fact that they tried to get help for me. I hated the poeple who were trying to help me. Slowly and I mean slowly I came to the realization that God didn't hate me and he never shut me out, or let me down, I hated him and I shut him out and let him down. That day I decided to let God fix my problems. I honestly think that my problems have gotten worse sence then but I refuse to ever hurt myself again. Its not easy a person cannot change over night. But I'm growing Stronger, getting better, and trying hard to live for Christ. This is the story of Tiffany, your basic 'emo girl'. Nothing is bigger than Christ, he can fix everything, he'll be your best friend, and NEVER let you down.
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